You can’t win an argument. What you get out of it is the feeling that you’re right and the other wrong or that you’re inferior. As a result, you either hurt the other person’s pride and vice versa.
Buddha said, “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love.”
Similarly Benjamin Franklin said, “If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s goodwill.”
photo credit: sparkypics
Would you want victory or a person’s goodwill? If the former is your answer, then you can stop here. Read on if your answer is the latter.
There are four surefire techniques you can use to avoid an argument.
“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Ready your mind. First keep in mind that when two partners always agree, one of them is unnecessary. Disagreements have shaped the world we all share today and they will into the future. Second, keep calm and watch out for your first reaction to an argument. Most often than not, it tends to be defensive. Third, control your temper by taking deep breaths in a disagreeable situation.
Now that you’ve readied your mind for non-arguments, the next technique should follow naturally: Listen attentively. By doing so, you are building bridges of understanding.
The third technique is to dwell upon areas of agreement. Agreement leads to further agreement; so does disagreement and argument.
Finally, do honestly think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully. Human beings are rational creatures. Maybe they’re right and it’s nice of them to correct you so you won’t make a serious mistake.
When two people yell, there is no communication.
What are your techniques for avoiding arguments? Please share them in the comment section of this post.
